10 Things You Should and Shouldn’t Say to a Friend Who Just Had a Baby

Here are some helpful — and some not so helpful — things to say and questions to ask to the new parent in your life.

By: Jen Glantz

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How to Say the Right Thing to a Postpartum Friend

When you find out that your friend just gave birth, it can be an emotional and exciting moment. You might have the urge to call them up to hear all the details or even swing by their house to meet the baby. But before you reach out or stop by, it’s important to take a step back and make sure you’re supporting your friend in the ways that they need and want.

Not only can the first few months of taking care of a baby be overwhelming, but a person’s postpartum journey can also be emotional and exhausting. One way to make sure you’re showing up for your friend during this time is to be strategic about the words you say to them.

So, whether you reach out to check in and say hello or you head over to their home, take note of the things you should say to your postpartum friend — and some phrases you should avoid.

Say This: What’s One Thing I Can Do to Make Your Day Easier?

When you’re eager to support your postpartum friend, you might ask them how you can help out. But they might be too overwhelmed to even know what to assign you to do.

Instead, be specific. Let them know that you have a free pair of hands and would love to do something to make their day easier. You can also provide suggestions, whether it’s going grocery shopping for them, holding the baby while they go for a solo walk, or even washing all the dirty dishes in their sink.

Say This: You’re Doing a Great Job and I’m Proud of You

On the days when you want to make sure your friend knows that you love them and that you’re thinking about them, rather than checking in with a text that asks how they are doing, shower them with a genuine compliment.

Taking care of a newborn is a lot of work. Just simply letting them know that you think they are doing an amazing job and you’re proud of them can really go a long way and be nice for them to hear.

Say This: Do You Want Advice or Someone to Listen?

If your postpartum friend is venting to you about the things that are happening right now, whether it’s about sleeping or breastfeeding, try to hold back from just spitting out automatic advice.

There are times when people want to get feedback and times when they just want to get things off their chest. Before you respond with your opinion, ask what they’d prefer from you, either advice or just someone to give them a safe space to unload thoughts and feelings.

Say This: Dinner or Laundry Is on Me This Week!

There are two tasks that can feel impossible to do when a person is postpartum. The first is figuring out meals for the week and the second is doing chores. If you want to help out your friend, offer to do one of these things for them or tell them that you’ll take care of both.

Rather than asking to come over and hang out with the baby, suggest dropping off dinner at their door or taking their laundry to your house so you can wash and fold their clothes.

Say This: Can I Give You a Break This Week?

Life feels nonstop when you have a newborn at home. Your friend might not even be able to find the time to take a shower or nap for longer than a few minutes.

If you have an hour or two, offer to come over and give them a break. They might even prefer to take a break with you and have their partner, or someone else, watch the baby while the two of you go out for the afternoon.

Don't Say This: It Will Get Easier

When your postpartum friend is venting to you about how tough it is to take care of a newborn, you might feel inclined to comfort them by saying that it will all get easier soon. Even if that’s the truth, it can be hard for your friend to see it that way and those words might lead them to think that you’re minimizing how they feel at this moment.

Instead of saying that, activity listen to what they are sharing with you. Ask them questions and let them open up. Even if you don’t have any advice to give them, continue to let them know that it’s okay for them to share with you how they feel and that you’re there to listen.

Don't Say This: Can I Come Over and See the Baby?

It might be so exciting to hear the news that the baby has arrived and while you might want to rush over and meet your friend’s child, they might not want visitors for a little bit of time.

Rather than asking when you can stop by and see the baby, let your friend know that you’d love to meet the baby whenever they are ready to have you over. In the meantime, share with them the alternative ways you plan to support them during this time.

Don't Say This: You’ll Lose All the Baby Weight Soon

Your friend's body might have changed a lot during pregnancy and it will continue to change during their postpartum journey. Discussing weight gain or weight loss can be a really triggering topic for people.

If your friend is sharing that they feel like they’ve put on too many extra pounds, try to avoid assuring them that they will lose their baby weight soon.

Indicating any type of time frame around how quickly their body will change can put unnecessary pressure on them. If they are talking about any unhappiness they have around their body, find things to compliment them on to help them see the beauty that they might currently be overlooking.

Don't Say This: Just Sleep When the Baby Sleeps

A big complaint your friend might have is that the baby doesn't sleep, so they aren’t sleeping. Even though it’s commonly said that parents should sleep when the baby sleeps, that’s not always feasible.

Ditch that advice and instead offer to come over and help with chores or the baby so your friend can get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Don't Say This: All Moms Feel This Way

There can be a lot of unexpected twists and turns during a person’s postpartum journey. Even if your friend is sharing challenges that you have heard other moms have, try not to compare what they are going through to what other people might have gone through in the past.

Expressing to them that all moms feel this way might make them feel like you don’t have any empathy toward them during a difficult time. Try to make them feel heard and seen by listening, offering to help, and sharing genuine compliments with them.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: The 5 Professional Services I Hired After Having My First Baby Because I Don’t Have Family Support, Should You Consider Cord Banking After You Give Birth? An Expert Weighs In, Is It OK to Eat Your Placenta After Birth? Here Are the Benefits and the Concerns

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