What to Do If a Loved One is Upset That You Won’t Attend Their Wedding During a Pandemic

How to approach this hard conversation.

By: Jen Glantz

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Certainty is a word that’s been put on pause in 2020 as the ongoing pandemic has flip-flopped wedding plans like never before. For a lot of couples, deciding what to do with their existing 2020 wedding dates was a headache that had them picking between going virtual, eloping, pushing the date, keeping the plans the same or just waiting for 2021 to figure it all out.

Couples that are going forward with their wedding plans may start to notice their guest list shrinking when family and friends make the tough decision not to come because of the pandemic. While nobody wants to decline going to a wedding for someone they care deeply about, the health and safety risks might be a non-negotiable for them.

So, what happens when you’re that guest and you have to break the news to a loved one that you won’t be able to come to their wedding? Here is how you should approach the conversation and what happens afterward.

Be Honest and Open

It can feel awkward to let a friend or family member know that you won’t be attending their wedding, but the best way to approach the situation is with open communication and honesty. Even after you’ve shared the news, let them know that if they are frustrated by your decision, you’re happy to continue the conversation and share more about your reasoning. Offer to be open with them. It’ll hopefully give them more insight into why you’re not coming.

Give Them a Chance to Vent

Weddings bring out rollercoasters of emotions but weddings during a pandemic take that to the next level. If your family or friend doesn’t seem happy about you not coming to the wedding, give the space and chance to vent. Even if you don’t agree with their reasoning and don’t want to enter an argument with them, it’s polite to give them the time to share their feelings.

Stay Firm in Your Decision

Even if you’re getting constant text messages and phone calls from loved ones asking you to reconsider and making you feel guilty for not attending, stay firm in your decision (if that’s 100 percent what you’ve decided to do). To help make sure you don’t cave in because of constant pressure, write down a list of your reasons for not going and keep it close. It’ll help you remember what brought you to make your decision.

Try to Keep Emotions in Check

It can be easy to bring more emotion than necessary into the situation, especially if your loved ones are extra upset about your decision. Try to stick to the logic of your decision and approach the conversations in an assertive, non-aggressive way. If you’re noticing your friend or family member getting emotional, acknowledge their feelings calmly, and continue to try to have a level-headed conversation if possible.

Reach Out and Offer Help

After you’ve shared the news and your loved one shares their frustration, it’s important to keep in contact with them. Let them know you still care about them, even though you can’t make it to their big day. Instead, find ways to offer to help. If they aren’t receptive to that, make a point to check in on them at least once a week to let them know that you’re there for them in any way possible.

Send Over Something Special

To let the person know you’re thinking about them and truly wish you could make it to their big day, send over something special to hopefully cheer them up a bit. It doesn’t have to be a big gift or anything expensive. Think about writing a handwritten note, sending their favorite dessert or bouquet of flowers, or giving them something that will help take the stress of planning a pandemic wedding away for a little bit.

Give Them Some Space

If you notice that you’re receiving a lot of anger from the other person, perhaps give them some space. They might not fully understand why you made the decision that you did (even if you clearly explain it to them) and instead, might just need time to process it all. If they aren’t up for chatting with you or receiving your offers to help support them before the wedding, it might be best to take a few steps back and give them space.

Offer to Set Up Virtual Access to the Wedding

One big task you can offer to take on for the person is setting up virtual access to their wedding. If they start to see quite a few guests declining coming because of the pandemic, they might decide to set up video access so that people, all over, can watch the ceremony and be a part of the big day from their own homes. Offer to help with this to show that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to be a part of their wedding.

Contact Them on and After the Wedding

Be sure to do something to show them you care about them on the wedding day. Perhaps it’s a text, video or audio message that sends your love to them on their special day or a small gift (like flowers or a bottle of champagne sent to their house). Also, make sure you touch base after the wedding to check-in and see if they are up for chatting more about how the day went.